What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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