I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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