I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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