You just made me feel so damn special
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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