Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
