Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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