3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Can you bring me the toilet please
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
