I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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