dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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