I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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