I want to walk on stilts...naked
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
