I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
