hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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