So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
