Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
