you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
