Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
