The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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