apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
