38 yer olds are good kisserssss
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
