now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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