I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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