I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
