She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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