I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize