my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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