i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize