College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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