i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
