You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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