YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
The best revenge is premature balding
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
