Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
