it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
