i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
