you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Randomize
