I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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