Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
In America we eat man semen.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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