The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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