Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
