I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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