Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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