My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm just crazy horny about you
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
