Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
