yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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