Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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