I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
