I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
