i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
