Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
