Rock
Scissors
Fuck
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
