so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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