im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
