I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
