Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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