dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize