Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
All the doctor said was why
soo... how was my night?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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