If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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