im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize
