I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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