what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
