i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
