I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
