the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
